First, They Came For My Toilet Paper

Greenies hate civilization.  Ergo, the Green War on our W.C.s.

Think about it:  There is no greater symbol of civilization than the toilet and its various accoutrements.  From Mohenjo-Daro to the Roman Empire, civilized life has gone hand in hand with running water and underground infrastructure to wash the refuse of humanity away from our homes and cities.  Fire may be the most widespread symbol of Man’s rise from the Serengeti to Starbucks, but the most important is the plunger.

Thus, the Greenies desire to become the commodores of our commodes, from trying to tell us to use one square of toilet paper (which may be enough if all you eat is granola, but is wholly inadequate if your diet consists of, you know, human food), to the so-called “low flush” toilets that are designed to save water but end up wasting water because you have to flush the things a million times to properly exorcise your tank.

Now, those tiger-apologists at the World Wildlife Fund have targeted toilet paper itself.  A new WWF report titled “Don’t Flush Tiger Forests: Toilet Paper, U.S. Supermarkets, and the Destruction of Indonesia’s Last Tiger Habitats” claims that, “Americans who use Paseo or Livi brands of toilet tissue are contributing to the destruction of the Indonesian rainforest and tiger habitat,” according to the Environment News Service.

“Consumers shouldn’t have to choose between tigers and toilet paper,” proclaims the WWF’s Linda Kramme. “We’re asking retailers, wholesalers and consumers not to buy Paseo or Livi products until APP stops clearing rainforests in Sumatra.”

Two things.  First, tigers kill people.  Regularly.  Last year in one region in Bangladesh, 53 people were attacked by tigers, with 34 killed and 19 severely injured.  In one week the tigers of this forest killed seven people. Shame on the WWF for defending these murderous beasts.

Now, the Greenies will undoubtedly say that the tiger—when it attacks a human—is just behaving naturally.  Well, that pretty much sums up my relationship with toilet paper—just doing what comes naturally.  Using technology to improve my health and well-being—that’s how humans roll, baby.
Second, the wealthy folk at the WWF have jobs.  The poor peoples of the Third World would like jobs, too.  I don’t have the stats in front of me, but I bet the logging industry in Indonesia which supplies the West with TP also supplies a lot of very poor people with a lot of much needed employment opportunities in that part of the world.  But good Greenies care more about animals than people—the honest ones don’t even bother to deny it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, nature calls….